so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
