jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Damn victory sex feels great
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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