So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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