Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
