enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
