hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
