allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
