the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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