Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
