so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
