Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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