we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
