Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
