Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
