Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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