No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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