tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
