we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
