I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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