I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
