Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
