im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
