You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
