If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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