Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
