he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
