i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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