We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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