Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
