Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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