i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
