Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
