I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
