Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Randomize
