the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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