Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
