i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
