somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
