So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
