I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
