So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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