Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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