Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
