I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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