I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
