guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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