dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Dear god my vagina.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
