How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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