I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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