If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
